Monday, July 6, 2009

A Perfect Solution to petrol crisis

It looks like petrol won't be budging from the $1.20 mark any time soon. Society has to seriously start looking at alternative forms of fuel and transport. In this spirit, I've come up with a great idea: chariots. Sydneysiders should be made to ride horse-drawn chariots to work. Sure, everyone will turn up hours late, but imagine the fun. It'll be like living in Ben-Hur.

Of course, there will be a period of adjustment. We'll have to knock down multilevel car parks and rebuild them as high-rise stables. Roads will have to be fixed to deal with the new horse traffic. Forget about paying the e-toll - there'll be "neigh" tolls. Petrol stations will become hay stations selling bales of hay, green apples and cubes of sugar.

Mechanics will be replaced by blacksmiths, who will continue the tradition of their mechanic forefathers by being sexist and overcharging for a simple horseshoe replacement. Road signs will be changed to reflect the new horse traffic. Stop signs will read "whoa, neddy". Go signs will read "yah! yah!", complete with a picture of a man using a whip on a nag. Speed limits will be abolished. Single horse and buggies will be the new Volvos. Men going through mid-life crises will buy Porsche chariots. Idiots or those trying to be wittily ironic will hang fluffy dice on their horses' blinkers. People will put stickers on the backs of their chariots that read, "My other horse is a stallion
Road rage will be replaced by whip rage, with riders laying into each other over real or imagined slights. The menaces on the road won't be four-wheel-drives, they'll be four-horse chariots, driven by Mosman mothers picking up their children from school. Public transport might be a problem. If people are angry about trains being 10 minutes late, they're likely to be even angrier when their 100-seat superchariot arrives 10 hours late.

The other drawback is that there will be manure everywhere. But no revolution is without hardship.

Ferries will become galleons. No one will dare complain about the ferries being late - they'll be too worried about pirates periodically raiding them.

On the plus side, you'll never have to worry about losing your car keys again.

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